Beware of This Christmas Gift List; Some Sports Buffs Might Kill for It

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: A season ticket to the Indianapolis Colts.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Two $200,000, .200-hitting infielders and a season ticket to the Indianapolis Colts.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Three tickets to the Minnesota-Tennessee Liberty Bowl football game in Memphis; two $200,000, .200-hitting infielders, and a season ticket to the Indianapolis Colts.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Four copies of Gary (Sarge) Matthews’ biography; three tickets to the Minnesota-Tennessee Liberty Bowl football game in Memphis; two $200,000, .200-hitting infielders, and a season ticket to the Indianapolis Colts. On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Five University of Maryland basketball T-shirts; four copies of Gary (Sarge) Matthews’s biography; three tickets to the Minnesota-Tennessee Liberty Bowl football game in Memphis; two $200,000, .200-hitting infielders, and a season ticket to the Indianapolis Colts.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Six Lorenzo White for Heisman Trophy bumper stickers; five University of Maryland basketball T-shirts; four copies of Gary (Sarge) Matthews’ biography; three tickets to the Minnesota-Tennessee Liberty Bowl football game in Memphis; two $200,000, .200-hitting infielders, and a season ticket to the Indianapolis Colts.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Seven L.A. Raiders music videos; six Lorenzo White for Heisman Trophy bumper stickers; five University of Maryland basketball T-shirts; four copies of Gary (Sarge) Matthews’ biography; three tickets to the Minnesota-Tennessee Liberty Bowl football game in Memphis; two $200,000, .200-hitting infielders, and a season ticket to the Indianapolis Colts.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Eight Dave Kingman autographed 8-by-10 glossies; seven L.A. Raiders music videos; six Lorenzo White for Heisman Trophy bumper stickers; five University of Maryland basketball T-shirts; four copies of Gary (Sarge) Matthews’ biography; three tickets to the Minnesota-Tennessee Liberty Bowl football game in Memphis; two $200,000, .200-hitting infielders, and a season ticket to the Indianapolis Colts. On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Nine Goodwill Games lapel pins; eight Dave Kingman autographed 8-by-10 glossies; seven L.A. Raiders music videos; six Lorenzo White for Heisman Trophy bumper stickers; five University of Maryland basketball T-shirts; four copies of Gary (Sarge) Matthews’ biography; three tickets to the Minnesota-Tennessee Liberty Bowl football game in Memphis; two $200,000, .200-hitting infielders, and a season ticket to the Indianapolis Colts.

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 Big Ten Rose Bowl highlight films; nine Goodwill Games lapel pins; eight Dave Kingman autographed 8-by-10 glossies; seven L.A. Raiders music videos; six Lorenzo White for Heisman Trophy bumper stickers; five University of Maryland basketball T-shirts; four copies of Gary (Sarge) Matthews’ biography; three tickets to the Minnesota-Tennessee Liberty Bowl football game in Memphis; two $200,000, .200-hitting infielders, and a season ticket to the Indianapolis Colts.

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Eleven passes to Martina Navratilova-Wendy Turnbull Virginia Slims quarterfinals; 10 Big Ten Rose Bowl highlight films; nine Goodwill Games lapel pins; eight Dave Kingman autographed 8-by-10 glossies; seven L.A. Raiders music videos; six Lorenzo White for Heisman Trophy bumper stickers; five University of Maryland basketball T-shirts; four copies of Gary (Sarge) Matthews’ biography; three tickets to the Minnesota-Tennessee Liberty Bowl football game in Memphis; two $200,000, .200-hitting infielders, and a season ticket to the Indianapolis Colts.

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Twelve appointments with Brian Bosworth’s barber; 11 passes to Martina Navratilova-Wendy Turnbull quarterfinals; 10 Big Ten Rose Bowl highlight films; nine Goodwill Games lapel pins; eight Dave Kingman autographed 8-by-10 glossies; seven L.A. Raiders music videos; six Lorenzo White for Heisman Trophy bumper stickers; five University of Maryland basketball T-shirts; four copies of Gary (Sarge) Matthews’ biography; three tickets to the Minnesota-Tennessee Liberty Bowl football game in Memphis; two $200,000, .200-hitting infielders, and a season ticket to the Indianapolis Colts. So, on the 13th day of Christmas, I took my true love out and shot her.