God, Country, Hygiene--Which Buzzword Cuts It? : Politics: Imagine what candidate debates will be like when stripped to their essential nature, the ultimate sound bite.

The 10-second light began blinking. Then they were live.

“Good Evening,” said the anchorwoman. “Welcome to tonight’s broadcast of ‘Presidential Candidates’ Encounter,’ coming to you from the Civic Center stage in Des Moines, Iowa. I’d like to thank the local chapter of Citizens for an American Universe for sponsoring this event. Now I will toss the coin. Heads will give the opening statement to incumbent Morton Neargood and tails to his challenger, Sarah Winright.” The coin dropped on the table. “It’s heads. Mr. Neargood, you may begin.”

Neargood looked serenely, confidently into the audience, straightened to his full 6 feet 4, paused at the end of a deep breath and said crisply, “What a nice day.” Heads nodded approvingly.

After a short silence, Sarah Winright took a step forward, embraced the podium and said with a soft, calm assurance, “Etiquette, proper etiquette.” This was greeted with a light scattering of applause, subsiding quickly.

After a brief moment of introspection, Neargood responded earnestly, “The American people. The American people.” This seemed to strike a responsive chord. The applause began immediately and was slightly sharper, though it also fell off quickly.

Sensing a warming audience, Winright followed quickly with “Community involvement,” which received a tepid response. She regretted her choice almost as soon as she said it, realizing it would be perceived as patterned too closely on Neargood’s previous statement.

Neargood tried to cement his momentum toward the higher tactical ground. “Honest hard work,” he said, his voice resonant. This was greeted with a uniform and enthusiastic burst of applause. Feeling a cautious optimism now, he eased up and relaxed a little inside.

Winright felt a rising sense of panic, a fluttering in her stomach. “Daily hygiene,” she blurted out, on the verge of losing control. But to her relief this was received with a sharp, respectable response, even a few positive murmurs.

Sensing opportunity, Neargood followed without hesitation. “Clean air and water,” he said loudly, to a moderate chorus of approving applause and a noticeable amount of nodding. His posture remained erect and his countenance deliberately manly as he milked his eye contact with the audience. He was caught slightly off guard as he heard in a clear, almost strident voice from across the stage: “Education.” A burst of spontaneous, vigorous clapping and even a few foot-stompings followed. He felt his anger rise at the theft of the word he had planned on using. Quickly he shot back, “Universal health care,” which garnered only an obligatory polite response.

Winright projected loudly, “Reproductive rights.”

The audience anxiously began to shift in their seats, sensing a growing intensity. Their excitement was rewarded as Neargood responded, “Equal pay.”

Winright continued without hesitation. “Competition,” she said vehemently.

“Individual responsibility,” Neargood countered.

Winright considered pausing here but felt the audience’s insistent rhythm urging her on, like an ardent lover. “Family unity,” she said, louder than intended.

“Respect for property and authority,” Morton Neargood matched her volume. But before he finished the last syllable of “authority,” he was drowned out by the audience, which burst forth excitedly in unanimous and sustained applause--the ardent lover aroused. The candidates were borne up in the frenzy. While the applause was still subsiding, Sarah Winright yelled out, “War on drugs, gambling and sex,” then, realizing her excess, moderated it to “Illicit sex and pornography.” Even this reignited the still-warm embers and applause rose again.

Neargood added, “Law and order,” which further fanned the audience. Caught in his own fervor, forgetting that it was his opponent’s turn, he continued with loud reverence, “Liberty and freedom.” The audience screamed.

“America!” shouted Winright, nearly breathless. This brought forth a chorus of “Ah-h-hs” and yells mixed in with foot-stamping and raucous applause.

It was then that Neargood received an inspiration that seemed to shift the center of his gravity. “God!” he screamed, clutching the microphone in both hands.

The audience exploded. They rose to their feet screaming and clapping. It was thunderous, deafening, a tidal roar. The camera crews hurried their equipment through the exit doors as people began scrambling down the aisles, across the orchestra pit and toward the stage. The candidates were rushed out a side door. Two people fell to their deaths from the second-floor balcony. One woman went into early labor and delivered a brand-new American baby boy in Aisle 5. She later named him Morton.