LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Congress passing a law forbidding unfunded mandates: “They’ll no longer tell the states how to spend their money. It’s only fair. They don’t tell us how they’re spending ours either.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on President Clinton’s aid to the troubled peso: “A failed Mexican economy is expected to have a dramatic impact on the U.S. All of our big companies will have to move back.”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on how astronomers are overwhelmed by massive amounts of information obtained from the Hubble Space Telescope: “Even with all this new data, they still can’t pronounce Uranus in public without breaking up.”

Holmes, on how 25% of America’s truck stops have chapels with ministers on the premises: “They are on-site and ready to administer the last rites to anyone foolish enough to eat truck-stop food.”

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Also in the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on student protests over Gov. Pete Wilson’s attempt to raise tuition in California colleges: “Demonstrators plan to suggest a ballot initiative. They will call it ‘Fee Hikes and You’re Out.’ ”

Comic Jenny Church, on suspicions that pesticides mimicking female hormones are lowering some men’s sperm counts: “The feminized sperm prefer petri dishes in matching patterns.”

Ray, on Kmart’s planned buyback of its stock: “Officials figure the transaction will take several months. It’s being handled by the credit and exchange department.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “The Fox O.J. movie wasn’t very up-to-date. It portrayed him saying he was inside the house sleeping when the crime was committed. Right. Where have they been? That was two alibis ago.” (Jay Leno)

* “Every TV station has expert commentators for the trial. But some didn’t plan ahead and wound up with less stellar names. The legal expert on Lifetime is the guy who was Harry Hamlin’s stand-in on ‘L.A. Law.’ ” (Tony Peyser)

* “In light of damaging testimony given by Ron Shipp, Simpson’s ‘Dream Team’ attorneys demanded that the court now refer to them as the ‘Dream Interpretation Team.’ ” (Stephen Sacks)

* “Shipp added that his cousin Johnnie Cochran’s dream came true; Robert Shapiro finally shut up.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Defense lawyers have referred to O.J. as a ‘living embodiment of the American Dream.’ They’ve also referred to sulfuric acid as ‘America’s Favorite Thirst Quencher.’ ” (Mark Miller)

* “They’re re-releasing O.J.’s last movie and renaming it: ‘Naked Gun 33 1/3 to Life.’ ” (Thom Sharp)

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Reader Mike Jankowski was listening to classical music when his daughter Tasia, 4, wandered into the room and picked up an empty CD box. She looked at the picture on it and said, “Dad, who is that guy?” Jankowski told her it was Beethoven, the composer. With a puzzled expression, the little girl asked:

“You mean he was named after the dog?”