Community Essay : Abuse Vs. Divorce: One Mother’s Dilemma : Do you stay for “for the sake of the kids” or become one of the single parents who conservatives say are undermining American values?

The house is quiet now, yet angry words are echoing and I can’t sleep. Another fight. I can’t remember how it started. The only thing that matters is that I don’t talk back, don’t egg him on and hope he’ll stomp off to bed soon.

In his wake, I fantasize about throwing my husband of 12 years out on his ear. But reality rears its head. If I left him now, I would have to leave school. I’m tough enough to stick it out.

To tune out my noisy thoughts, I flip on the television and am drawn unwittingly to a segment on ABC’s “Day One” that states that children of divorced parents suffer tremendously. According to their experts, parents who choose to divorce should rethink their selfish positions for the sake of their children. Since I have three children, this guilt trip works for me. My husband can’t make my cry anymore, but after 15 minutes of prepackaged psychobabble, I’m a sobbing mess.

Shere Hite’s newest report on the modern American family was ignored by ABC, but would have provided balance to their story. Her message is rare, controversial and important, especially for women living in volatile relationships. She claims that the trend toward alternative families--single or same-sex parents, working moms and stay-at-home dads--is healthy, even progressive.

This is a radical notion in 1995, when single mothers are under attack from right-wing zealots and single-parent families are denounced as proof of a sick society. As the mood of the country moves steadily toward the right, alternatives to marriage and traditional families are steadfastly ignored.

This is a problem for thousands of women who make incredibly difficult choices with no support from husband, family or friends. Living with an abusive man is a terribly isolating experience. Americans are not fond of victims and have little sympathy for those who choose to stay in destructive relationships. This message is difficult to reconcile with the one that says divorce will ruin your children--a message that has been repeated on various programs several times in recent weeks.

This push-me, pull-you struggle can be overwhelming for the strongest among us. And it can be debilitating to people convinced by years of unrelenting degradation that they are not equipped to go it alone. I believe that many women, when faced with such conflict, will err on the side of caution and stay. Everything looks better in the morning. Convincing oneself that martyrdom is good “for the sake of our families” is not hard to do, especially in the current political and economic?? climate.

Women who chose to stay with men who are emotionally or physically abusive do so for many, often incomprehensible, reasons. And the emotional, financial and practical support from family and friends is often crucial to the success of those working toward freedom.

I am lucky. My mother and sister cheer me on in my studies. They know that school is the surest avenue toward my independence. Without this kind of unblinking support, this willingness by my family to understand that decisions about the continuance of my marriage are mine to make, I don’t know that I wouldn’t be tempted to listen more carefully to the messages sent out by the popular media and stay for “the sake of my children.”