Machine of the Gods Won’t Help Highway’s Loose Screws

Greek playwrights called it deus ex machina, god from a machine.

Just when the hero seemed doomed to a horrible death, *poof*, one of the gods would appear and save him via some gnarly-looking wood-and-leather device wheeled onstage by Sophocles’ sweating stagehands.

Machines promise progress and enlightenment, from the simple wheel that got us all rolling to the Slurpee dispenser that keeps all that commuting we all do on those wheels from grinding our souls to mush.

Machines will save the human race (or so we think), knitting the global village together on the Internet and micro-miniaturizing us all toward bright and happy lives full of leisure.

Then again, there’s the Titanic, the Hindenburg, the A-bomb, the 8-track tape, the common leaf blower, Windows and the 47 devices now on the market that only promise to keep your car’s floor mats from slipping up under your heater vents. Not to mention the Yugo.

Why is it that where common sense fails, someone always seems to think a machine could do the job better?

Cruise control? Pay attention. Smokeless ashtrays? Quit. Sport utility vehicles? Drive on the pavement, silly.

But what about wrong-way drivers? You’re not going to believe this one:

Dear Street Smart:

With the rash of “wrong way” head-on collisions that have occurred in recent months on our freeways, why couldn’t Caltrans install simple but effective spikes, like the ones in parking lot exits?

If one of these “don’t back up”-style devices were placed at every offramp, the worst thing that would happen to a wrong-way driver is that he would get a couple of flat tires. Yet it would stop him long before he could get out on the freeway and do some serious damage.

I realize it might be time-consuming, but I, for one, feel that it would be well worth it in the long run.

Donna Athens

Ventura

Dear Reader:

Sounds like you’ve been reading Street Smart for too long.

Of course, we love the idea. Elegant and to the point, it stops stupid drivers from hurting anyone--and punishes them simultaneously.

Believe it or not--unbeknownst to us armchair engineers (who will rule the world as soon as we figure out how to stop losing vital tools in the middle of complex repair jobs)--Caltrans has been studying your idea for years.

Here, verbatim, is the response from Caltrans spokeswoman Pat Reid:

“Extensive research has been devoted to the development of more effective signs, pavement markings and devices that prevent the entry of wrong-way vehicles onto our freeways.

“The parking lot spike has been a frequent suggestion over the years. Driving tests on standard spikes, modified spikes and other tire-slashers demonstrated, however, that they would not work effectively against vehicles traveling in excess of 15 mph. Some of Caltrans’ findings are:

* Less than half of the vehicles were disabled by the spikes.

* Those tires damaged worst still took 10 to 30 seconds to go flat--enough time to go onto the freeway.

* Tires bent and broke spikes, leaving them to puncture or damage tires of right-way vehicles.

* At 30 mph, right-way drivers could not tell which way the spikes were pointing. This could cause more panic stops by right-way drivers than by wrong-way drivers.

“Even if these problems did not exist and spikes were 100% effective, less than half of the problem would be addressed. Studies show that half of the wrong-way moves are the result of U-turns (many of them deliberate), and less than half are entries from the off-ramp.”

Ummmm, OK. So what about like, maybe, uhhh, giant gill nets?

*

Dear Street Smart:

Is Big Brother watching us?

While traveling east on Telephone Road in Ventura, I was stopped at the light at Victoria. My companion noticed a camera atop the light standard trained on the oncoming traffic. Observing further, we noticed that each side of each street in the intersection has a camera trained on the oncoming traffic.

At first, we surmised that it might be a way to catch red-light runners. But the camera would be of no use for this purpose because they are trained on the oncoming traffic before the intersection. Is it surveillance for potential bank robbers? (There are a number of banks in the area.) What gives? Thank you. I enjoy your column.

Tom McHenry

Ventura

Dear Reader:

We might enjoy our column too, but we never have time to read it.

The answer to your first question is, yes. But Big Brother’s a heckuva lot more sophisticated than a bunch of video cameras stuck up on poles where everyone can see them.

Think IRS tax audits. Think TRW credit checks. Think Internet robot programs that grab your e-mail address and flood your mailbox with pornography, opportunities-of-a-lifetime and all manner of time-wasting snake oil.

Think Barney.

But wait, maybe that’s the plan. Hide the cameras in plain sight, and the unwashed masses will never suspect. Listen to the city of Ventura’s explanation and judge for yourself:

The cameras act as traffic sensors, triggering lights to turn red and green in sequence and funnel traffic efficiently through the intersection, says city engineer Rick Raives.

They’re as reliable as the old-fashioned magnetic loops buried beneath the pavement that sense cars and trip lights at most intersections now, and they don’t have to be replaced when the road gets resurfaced, he says.

“In the long term, we’d like to be able to send back information and have what they call traffic surveillance, where we can count vehicles at an intersection or respond to emergency situations out there to tell how the traffic congestion’s going,” Raives says. “Eventually, we’re going to be able to pull that information all the way to City Hall on how many cars there are, is there an accident or do we need to change the phasing.”

Venturans, you have been warned. When the black helicopters carry us all off in chains to the internment camps, remember: You read it here first.

*

Dear Street Smart:

Can something be done about the intersection of Los Angeles Avenue and Condor Drive in Moorpark?

There is a left arrow for traffic turning east onto Condor Drive from Los Angeles Avenue. Cars wishing to make this left turn often have to wait a long time, even with no oncoming traffic. Is it possible to have the red arrow changed to a standard green, signaling to go when safe?

The red arrow used to be necessary when Los Angeles Avenue was the connector road between the Ronald Reagan Freeway and California 23, but now that the interchange has been complete for three years, it needs to be changed.

Scott Neugroschl

Chatsworth

(but I work in Moorpark)

Dear Reader:

There is no deus ex machina for this one. The affair is in the hands of man, who right now appears to be trying to solve it with his bluntest tool: politics.

Caltrans oversees the intersection but is negotiating to give control of it to the city of Moorpark. They’re haggling over money, sources say, but sooner or later it’ll all get settled. Only then will the agency that winds up controlling Condor and Los Angeles be in a position to consider shortening your apparently pointless wait.

Until then, the stagehands stand in the wings. Sweating and waiting for a god.

*

Peeved? Baffled? Miffed? Or merely perplexed? Street Smart answers your most probing questions about the joys and horrors of driving around Ventura County. Write to: Street Smart, c/o Mack Reed, Los Angeles Times, 93 S. Chestnut St., Ventura, 93001. Include a simple sketch if needed to help explain. E-mail us at Mack.R[email protected] or call our Sound Off line, 653-7546. In any case, include your full name, address, and day and evening phone numbers. Street Smart cannot answer anonymous queries, and might edit your letter.