Punch Lines

Back-Breaking Business: President Clinton has been complaining about backaches. “No wonder Bill Clinton has a bad back. Ken Starr’s been on it for years.” (Stan Kaplan)

Dicey Odds: According to the latest medical report, there’s a new pill that will help people kick the gambling habit. “Casinos are laying 2-1 odds that it won’t work.” (Earl Hochman)

Anybody There?: Millions of pager users were in a tizzy after learning that a communications satellite cut off their lifeline. “However, there was an upside to all of this: a sharp increase in the sale of Dixie cups and string.” (Henry Fried)

Not Camera Ready: Jerry Springer has obtained a restraining order against the tabloids showing stills from a clandestine tape of him with a porn star and her stepmother in a hotel room. “It can’t be released until they add a staged fight.” (Gary Easley)

Not Sleeping Around: “Health officials have issued a warning with Viagra. They say: ‘Women, if you sleep with a man who’s on Viagra, you’re not only sleeping with him, you’re sleeping with every woman he didn’t sleep with for the past eight years.’ ” (Jay Leno)

A Helping Hand: George Michael has been sentenced to 80 hours of community service. “Apparently, the judge felt it was time he gave a hand to the community, rather than just to himself.” (Linda Manning)

Commercial Break: The head of the National Assn. of Hispanic Publications says Taco Bell’s talking Chihuahua is offensive. “Meanwhile, the National Assn. of American Beer Drinkers wants the talking lizards removed from the Budweiser commercials.” (Perisho)

Do the Twist: Hollywood will re-release “Gone With the Wind” this summer, but not before updating it for the ‘90s. “They’re taking out the silly war story and renaming it ‘Twister II.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

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David Letterman’s Top 10 Least Useful College Majors . . .

10. Stamp-licking.

7. The physics of chair-throwing on “Jerry Springer.”

3. Melon balling.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.