Are You Zen, or Sick of the Whole Thing?

Face it. Not everyone appreciates the Zenlike concepts trickling into the workplace from various directions these days.

For some people, work is nasty, brutish and long--and they wouldn’t have it any other way. Are you interested in hearing more about enlightenment, or do you just wish the whole babbling lot of poseurs would go away?

This list should give you some idea of where you stand. While not exactly the “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” consider this the “Dozen Habits of Highly Zen Workers.”

1. You are Zen when you know thyself.

You are Zenless when you know your co-workers’ pay, vacation schedules and who they are seeing on the sly in accounting.

2. You are Zen when you view the new millennium as a chance to take inventory of our souls.

You are Zenless when you view the millennium as a chance to blame that Y2K thing on why you didn’t finish the project.

3. You are Zen when you attain greater enlightenment at work using unconventional thinking to make your job more meaningful.

You are Zenless when you attain greater enlightenment at work with each increment of 500 stock options.

4. You are Zen when you view men as from Mars, women from Venus.

You are Zenless when you view both men and women from human resources as a pain.

5. You are Zen when you desire chicken soup for the soul.

You are Zenless when you desire chicken soup when you spot a roach 3 feet from the cafeteria clam chowder.

6. You are Zen when you achieve psychic reward by sitting on a zafu in the posture of zazen.

You are Zenless when you achieve psychic reward by renewing your Prozac prescription.

7. You are Zen when you spent last weekend attending a Beverly Hills benefit for the Dalai Lama organized by Steven Seagal and Harrison Ford.

You are Zenless when you spent last weekend taking advantage of that $39 special in Laughlin.

8. You are Zen when your goal for 1999 is to look within yourself.

You are Zenless when your goal for 1999 is to look busy.

9. You are Zen when sitting at your desk you feel the presence of the spirits of those who sat before you trying to achieve purpose in their work.

You are Zenless when sitting at your desk you feel the presence of the guy who left a half-eaten doughnut there earlier.

10. You are Zen when you spend your day trying to quench your thirsty soul.

You are Zenless when your spend your day trying to quench your thirst at a water cooler out of sight of your boss.

11. You are Zen when you hang at your desk a poster of Desiderata.

You are Zenless when you hang at your desk a poster of Desiree, the swimsuit model.

12. You are Zen when you apply spiritual applications to your daily work routine.

You are Zenless when you apply for early retirement at age 37.