The Real Reasons to Watch

The nice thing about this year’s Academy Awards program is you just have to see two films, “Shakespeare in Love” and “Saving Private Ryan,” in order to sound like you actually know something at whatever viewing party you happen to attend.

With 24 nominations and Oscar advertising budgets of “Titanic” proportions, “Shakespeare” and “Ryan” will certainly dominate the evening’s conversation. Chances are they also will claim a lion’s share of the awards--which means the traditional “Oscar Pool” is basically useless unless you’re big into coin flips and the finer points of sound effects editing.

So here’s our alternative, hopefully more stimulating, Oscar quiz, one that dares to ask the dozen most relevant questions of the night. It should come in handy by the time the stage has been officially declared Stratford-on-Normandy.

1. The fire marshal has strenuously warned against:

A) Re-creating the opening scene from “Saving Private Ryan” in a big musical number.

B) For reasons of structural integrity, allowing the entire cast of “The Thin Red Line” into the building.

C) Roberto Benigni and Robin Williams having live microphones at the same time.

2. Best reason a worthy performance was not nominated:

A) Gillian Anderson, “The X-Files Movie.” Vast conspiracy led by faceless alien academy members.

B) John Travolta, “Primary Colors.” Blocked by Kenneth Starr.

C) Bill Murray, “Rushmore.” Ed Harris’ publicist destroyed all screening copies of film.

D) Lisa Kudrow, “The Opposite of Sex.” The industry decided to honor an actor of color. Oh, they didn’t do that once again either? Beats us then.

3. Best foreign film not centered around the heartwarming exploits of a young scamp

(None eligible)

4. On this most special night in show business, what do all the big stars hope to avoid?

A) Forgetting to thank their agents (or this year, their managers) before their parents during acceptance speech.

B) Making the evening news under the “Worst Dressed” category.

C) A scheduling conflict with their Tae-Bo session.

5. Likely to be the least-watched portion of the 71st Annual Academy Awards program:

A) When co-presenters Jeffrey Katzenberg and Harvey Weinstein, in an ongoing effort to show there’s no bad blood between DreamWorks and Miramax, sing “When You Believe” from “Prince of Egypt.”

B) The part where James Coburn and Nick Nolte rough up the guys from Price-Waterhouse.

C) The middle 2 hours and 45 minutes.

6. Billy Crystal is not hosting this year’s festivities because:

A) He didn’t want to jinx the release of “Analyze This” after previous emcee stints coincided with the opening of such non-hits as “Forget Paris” and “My Giant.” (Must be working: “Analyze This” is a big hit.)

B) Mr. De Niro needs him elsewhere.

C) Vowed not to host again until his beloved L.A. Clippers won a game. (He spoke too soon; the Clippers recently won their first game against only 19 losses.)

7. Person most responsible for nominations:

A) William Shakespeare

B) Adolf Hitler

C) Harvey Weinstein

8. Best reason why “Shakespeare in Love” lead actor Joseph Fiennes was not nominated:

A) Many other distinguished performances made it a tough field.

B) Academy did not feel “Shakespeare” was worthy of tying record for total nominations.

C) Voters irked by his insistence that first name is pronounced “Jafe.”

9. Best category to replace the soon-to-be-departed documentary short subject:

A) Best teen film marketing campaign

B) Best performance by a non-British actress (Americans playing Brits not eligible).

C) Best director whose film and actors were nominated, but he/she somehow wasn’t.

10. Best reason many people will be outside the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion picketing:

A) Upset that director Elia Kazan will be given a Lifetime Achievement Award, even though he named names during the blacklist era.

B) Under the impression that the Shaquille O’Neal vehicle “Kazaam!” is being honored.

C) Both of the above.

11. Most cringe-inducing moment likely during the Oscar pre-shows:

A) Pun-laden reporter-spew, such as: “Will Gwyneth winneth?” Or “Will ‘Private Ryan’ get a very public promotion?”

B) A bitter, drunken pig named Babe heckling nominees from the bleachers.

C) Buoyed with hope by Gus Van Sant’s new version of “Psycho,” the E! channel’s Joan and Melissa Rivers beseech all passing studio execs to greenlight a shot-for-shot remake of their 1994 epic telemovie: “Tears and Laughter: The Joan and Melissa Rivers Story.”

12. Most surprising revelation likely to come during the telecast:

A) David E. Kelley not eligible for any awards.

B) Not one person in the academy actually saw best actress nominee Fernanda Montenegro’s performance in “Central Station,” but they all “heard she was really good.”

C) Reclusive director Terrence Malick pleading with Whoopi Goldberg for a slot on “Hollywood Squares.”