LAUGH LINES

Rise and Shine: “I saw something stupid in the paper. A new alarm clock that makes no noise. It’s for people who don’t like loud noise. . . . Instead, it slowly hits you with lights that get brighter and brighter until you wake up. . . . I already have one of those--it’s called a window.” (Jay Leno)

Candidates With Power: “Republican Party officials in California have announced that they would like Arnold Schwarzenegger to run for governor. But he’s definitely not what California needs. . . . [After all], George Clooney is the one with the electricity these days.”

(Argus Hamilton)

Out of Business: “AMC says it is planning to shut down up to 550 movie screens. . . . AMC’s chief executive says operators will focus--for a change--on quality, not quantity. Well, there goes John Travolta’s career.” (Mark Wheeler)

Closing Time: “J.C. Penney has announced that it is closing 50 stores nationwide. . . . I guess business has been bad--especially here in Los Angeles. . . . Last month, Sears closed about 50 stores. . . . Who would have thought that one day Montgomery Ward would be a trendsetter?” (Leno)

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Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.