How to Prevent Children’s Use of Profanity From Becoming a Family Curse

The 4-year-old astonished his parents one day by injecting the “F word” into the small talk of a formal family dinner.

Although they told him the word was bad and not to be used, he repeated it. When his exasperated parents asked where he learned the word, he said, “I made it up, and I like it!”

It’s true, says Greenwich, Conn., psychotherapist Kurt Sperling of the story he relates about the feisty youngster who is now an adult. And while the story has a funny ending, Sperling says it’s no fun when children pepper their language with four-letter words, which--if it starts--typically appears at about age 5 or 6.

“I have heard of some instances where 3-and 4-year-olds will mimic their parents and use curse words,” he says.

“When children use curse words or obscenities, some families think it’s funny or cute because they burst out laughing,” he says. “And the child thinks it’s OK to use because he gets attention.”

Because children often pick up this bad language at home, “if [parents] are going to curse,” he says, “they should curse among themselves and not in front of the kids. It’s probably better to work on their own communication.”

Mary Jo Pittoni, an eighth-grade English teacher at Magnet Middle School in Stamford, Conn., agrees, saying parents should examine the language they’re modeling for their children, she says.

“All I can say is if parents don’t take care of it when the children are little, by the time they come to [my] class, that will not be tolerated. It’s very simple. No one says even ‘shut up’ in my classroom.”

Still, as guilty as some parents and siblings may be in setting improper codes of conduct, they are hardly the only ones at fault.

Gwynne Campbell, owner/director of the Sylvan Learning Center in Darien, Conn., says she has heard many children’s coaches use foul language.

“There is more acceptance of colorful or profane language in our general culture,” says Patricia Kahlbaugh, associate professor of psychology at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven. Kahlbaugh, who has conducted studies on profanity, says obscene language is much more likely to be heard in a variety of situations than it was a few decades ago. “Television, movies, even things rated appropriate for children have language that might not have been heard before 20 years ago or so,” she says. “I think it is easier for young kids to pick it up.”

According to Kahlbaugh, kids acquire language through a process called “fast mapping.” That means when they hear a word, they’ll pick it up even though they don’t know its meaning. When the word’s an obscenity, the child might hear it used by the person “along with an expression of anger,” which gets their attention.

If the child then begins to use the word, “I think it would be best if the parent ignores it,” suggests Kahlbaugh. “It’s not a table, chair or apple and doesn’t have any clear meaning. If the child doesn’t see how the word is used, it will simply drop out [of his or her vocabulary].” Kahlbaugh does not believe parents need to explain the meaning of an obscene word.

“The more meaning you attach to a word, the more compelling and interesting it gets,” she says. However, she adds, it may not be a bad idea to tell the child that a particular word makes people upset.