LAUGH LINES

Totally Losing It: “According to some researchers at Colorado State University, wine may actually help people lose weight. That makes sense. It helps you lose everything else--your job, your house, your family.” (Jay Leno)

Taking a Gamble: “A University of Chicago study was released recently which said gambling costs the United States $3,000 per person each year. It’s just staggering. Americans spend about $60 billion per year on games of chance--and that doesn’t even include weddings and elections.” (Argus Hamilton)

Rover’s Crystal Ball: “Here’s another sign that Americans have way too much money to spend. In New York, there is now a pet psychiatrist for dogs. Not only that, they also have a pet psychic. What a scam this is! What is a pet psychic going to tell your pet? ‘Tomorrow you are going to sleep all day, lick yourself and then drink out of the toilet.’ That’s uncanny! I can’t believe it!” (Leno)

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