Pushing the product

Maybe singles have been anesthetized by filling out too many matchmaking questionnaires. Or maybe prospective mates just want to speed up the process of elimination.

But if recent experiences are any indication, the art of conversation is flagging -- and dates have all the sizzle of a job interview.

A recent dinner partner laid out what he was looking for in a mate before we opened our menus. He wanted an attractive intellectual who was nonetheless funny and spontaneous, a sophisticated woman who also liked to cuddle.

As the appetizer came, he then mentioned the qualities that he felt he brought to the table. I learned that his hobbies were hiking, camping and biking.

Over the main course, when he was describing his last relationship and where it went wrong, I ventured that this was kind of a strange conversation to be having just then.

He looked surprised by the interruption. But since when was a first date an appropriate venue for a dissection of the last girlfriend?

Undeterred, he continued. She was bright enough, and they laughed a lot, but she wasn’t very functional in social situations.

Good to know, I thought, further thinking: For a guy who keeps mentioning how important a sense of humor is, he hasn’t said anything funny yet -- at least not on purpose.

Dating is a delicate process. Like a souffle, it needs a gentle touch. This was a good guy, a great catch by most criteria, but any mystery was beaten out of the proceedings before dessert, and the rest of the evening just fell flat.

It wasn’t just one man, one date. A few weeks ago a good friend went out with another nice fellow who spent so much time positioning his qualities and matching them to hers in a running monologue over the course of several dates that she felt she was out with a sales rep. He was pushing the product -- himself -- with so much gusto and so little finesse that she expected him to show up with a PowerPoint presentation.

I suppose the good news for single women is that more and more men of a certain age and success level are looking to complete the picture with a partner. These men are earnest and goal-oriented, and don’t want to waste any time. Fabulous, glad to hear it.

But there’s no need to go about the search with all the romance of a hostile takeover.

My theory is these curriculum vitae evenings are a result of the Internet dating scene. Though neither of these men was encountered in that fashion, I’ll bet they’ve both logged some time there -- their respective approaches just reeked of “website essay.” What I’m seeking, what I have to offer. Hobbies and habits. It might work for online hookups, but in person, that stuff doesn’t fly.

I want to meet a man, not a profile.

A real date is “show, don’t tell” time. Are you an intellectual? Prove it -- dazzle me with your sparkling repartee. Do you love to be spontaneous and free? Then stop meeting at Starbucks and come up with a date that reflects your true nature.

I personally believe you can learn a lot more about somebody over a game of air hockey at the Santa Monica pier than over yet another perfectly planned dinner.

Instead of telling me how funny you are, let me tell you how funny you are -- after you make me laugh, that is.

I know the first few dates with a new person are nerve-racking, and often just need to be endured before a level of comfort sets in, but bringing a script or a resume won’t help matters. It’s a screen hiding the real you.

Sure, finding love is a challenge. But it’s not a job. Let it be an adventure.

Lisa Rosen can be reached at [email protected]