Beer, baseball, bobble-heads

RANDOM thoughts, while waiting for Paris Hilton to total my car at some stoplight:

In California, “golden hour” lasts all day.

Every kid’s first car should be a clunker.

Lots of devils wear Prada.

Eventually, all the ADD kids in the nation grow up and move to L.A., where they make really bad TV.

Bill Bratton for mayor.

Grady Little for president.

Rafael Furcal for secretary of Defense.

“Always end your child’s name in a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.”

-- Bill Cosby

Newspapers are journalism’s acoustic guitars.

I don’t know what worries me more: relying on the Mideast for oil or relying on Canada for comedians.

Jeff Kent is a human bobble-head doll.

What would L.A. be like with half as much concrete and twice as much dirt? (OK, Barstow. But still ... )

Best clam chowder in L.A.: Paradise Cove Cafe.

Worst service in L.A.: Paradise Cove Cafe (but the clam chowder’s worth it).

Beer always tastes better during football season.

Just how many trading “deadlines” does baseball have anyway?

All the past Oscar hosts combined don’t have the brio or comic timing of a 3-year-old kid.

Dogs never lie (which is why they never get ahead).

Cats always lie (which is why they will one day dominate the world).

All families are a little dysfunctional.

All books are a little long.

All burritos are a little big.

Remake that’s almost inevitable: Will Ferrell as “Gomer Pyle.”

Sure, politicians are polarizing the country. But most of the media haven’t taken the high road either.

If I were mayor, the first thing I’d do is bulldoze LAX and start over.

Second thing: the Grove.

End-of-civilization alert: It’s far easier to find a big-screen TV for the wall than a decent piece of art.

End-of-civilization alert II: Time magazine is about half the size of People.

Abs are the new breasts.

Jessica Simpson is the new Farrah.

I’m always forgetting: Does foreplay come first?

In a perfect world, one of those Manning boys would be quarterbacking the New Orleans Saints.

In a perfect world, their daddy Archie would be head coach.

According to my records, Ferris Bueller needs another day off.

The thing I like about Katie Couric is the gravitas she brings to the evening news.

Best roughhousing move on the den floor while watching a football game with the kids: a chin into the rib cage. (Giggle-spit every time.)

“Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.”

-- Groucho Marx, in “A Day at the Races”

Remember when you used to flip on the TV and be able to find the game you were seeking?

Cellphone headsets are often used by the same people who would walk around talking to themselves anyway.

Nomar Garciaparra is the best athlete in L.A. -- other than Kobe. Or my buddy Ulf.

If the Padres’ Dave Roberts ran in the Kentucky Derby, I’d bet on him to place.

No, he wouldn’t have to carry a jockey.

Decency isn’t what it used to be. Maybe there’s no money in it.

There’s something creepy-mean about comedy clubs.

Dane Cook’s great comedy gift: Lots of college girls think he’s hot, and lots of college boys are conflicted.

Best breakfast: half a grapefruit.

Best dessert: half a cigar.

Best reason to turn off the TV and read a good book: HBO’s “Lucky Louie.”

“If all the world is a stage, where is the audience

sitting?”

-- George Carlin

Chris Erskine can be reached at [email protected] or myspace.com/chriserskine.