Houston Mitchell’s two-minute drill

at Buffalo 30, Indianapolis 7: “Hey, Dad, let’s save up our money and go to the season finale! I’ve always wanted to see Peyton Manning play!” at Carolina 23, New Orleans 10: Saints have all the forward momentum of a guy on a Segway going uphill in a windstorm. at Cleveland 23, Jacksonville 17: Does winning your last four in a row really make a 5-11 finish palatable to Browns fans? Chicago 37, at Detroit 23: Lions are 2-30 over last two seasons, just two more wins than they’d have had if they fielded a team of 8-year-olds. at Houston 34, New England 27: Brady to Welker now means: “You think your knee hurts? What about my ribs?” Pittsburgh 30, at Miami 24: Has anyone noticed that the older Ben Roethlisberger gets, the more he begins to resemble Will Ferrell? at Minnesota 44, N.Y. Giants 7: Favre was hoping to get a first-round bye so he could retire a couple of times before the playoffs began. San Francisco 28, at St. Louis 6: If the Rams do move back to L.A., it still wouldn’t solve our problem of not having a pro football team. Atlanta 20, at Tampa Bay 10: So the Buccaneers go 9-7, fire Jon Gruden, then finish 3-13. What exactly do you do next? at Dallas 24, Philadelphia 0: Grateful Cowboys fans rush out and buy copies of Jessica Simpson’s latest CD. Green Bay 33, at Arizona 7: Packers ask NFL to mimic soccer and have a home-and-home series, with most total points making the playoffs. Kansas City 44, at Denver 24: Indy 500 would like to hire the 2009-10 Broncos as the official pace car for this year’s race. Baltimore 21, at Oakland 13: A confused Al Davis congratulates Bert Jones and the rest of the Colts on making the playoffs. at San Diego 23, Washington 20: Seems appropriate: Jim Zorn is last if you list all the coaches in NFL history in alphabetical order. Tennessee 17, at Seattle 13: OK, six guys have rushed for more than 2,000 yards in a season. But can anyone name them all without looking it up? at N.Y. Jets 37, Cincinnati 0: Pete Carroll calls Mark Sanchez after game and says: “If Mike Garrett calls you, say you’re not there.” -- Houston Mitchell